Stargate Voyager
by mermaid2bseeker
Summary: What if the Stargate Sg1 crew and the Star Trek Voyager crew met up.
1. Episode One

Stargate Voyager  
by mermaid2bseeker

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_A crossover between Stargate SG-1 and Star Trek Voyager, takes place before Voyager made it back home. _

_Disclaimer: Voyager belongs to whoever, and Stargate belongs to someone else. Both of who(m) are not me. Basically, everything I use is not mine, I'm just borrowing it temporarily.  
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__A/N: __Throughout the story I will make references to various movies, book, tv shows, etc…See if you can spot them all, at the end of each chapter I'll list them. _

_A/N2: __This is in no way an interactive entry, nor is it an MST-type entry. I'm only saying this because this story has been booted off this website twice, and the reasons given were that is was interactive or an MST. _

_A/N3: __All I mention are song titles.

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_

**EPISODE ONE: CROSSING PATHS**

_SG-1_

(SG-1 steps through the Stargate on PABC54321-90210-1-800-JENNY-CRAIG (all those numbers and letters which no one, not even the characters, or writers can keep straight).)

Jack 'Welcome to another planet which looks exactly like the wild wilderness of Canada, where they film our show.'

Daniel 'Eh?'

Jack 'Never mind.'

Sam 'Sir, I am picking up some strange readings with my weird T.V. remote control-looking device.'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

Jack 'What are they?'

Sam 'The little graphy thing on my screen says that they're radioactive rays which somehow appeared right as we stepped through the gate, because if the MALP had detected them beforehand we wouldn't be here right now, and that would be the end of our episode.'

Daniel 'It says all that?'

Jack (rolls his eyes) 'Well, if any of us had common sense, we'd retreat back through the gate, however for some unknown reason none of us seem to have been made with any, so let's go find out what's causing it.'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

Sam (presses some buttons on her little device thingy) 'This way.' (She points straight ahead of them.)

_Voyager_

The Starship Voyager does it's cute little 'rubber-band' snappy thing and comes out of warp. They circle around a planet which looks a lot like Earth, but isn't because if it was, that would be the end of their little adventure through the Delta Quadrant.

(Janeway walks out of her ready room onto the bridge with Chakotay behind her. Makes one think what they actually do in her ready room, as well as why they don't just call it an office like it is. They both sit in their chairs in the center of the room.)

Janeway (sees the giant planet on the screen) 'Report!'

Harry 'We've stopped at an M class planet.' (he mutters) 'Duh.'

Janeway 'What did you say?'

Harry 'We've stopped at an M class planet.'

Janeway 'No, after that.'

Harry (innocently) 'Nothing.'

Janeway (looks at him suspiciously) 'Life signs?'

Tuvok 'The planet appears to be abandoned, the sensors are only picking up plant and animal life.' (The computer panel bleeps.) 'The sensors have picked up four humanoid life signs on the northern continent.'

Janeway 'What are they doing?'

Tuvok 'They are apparently walking in large circles.'

_Sg-1_

Jack 'Admit it. We're lost.'

Sam 'We are not lost. I know exactly where we are.'

Jack 'Where are we, then?'

Sam (pointing to four little dots on the screen of her device) 'We're here.'

Jack (rolls his eyes) 'Where are we in relation to the Stargate?'

Sam 'Lost.'

Jack (smacks his head repeatedly against the nearest tree) 'Why, why, why, why? Why me?'

Teal'c 'Smacking one's head against a tree seems to be an unwise plan of action.'

Jack (looks to Teal'c) 'Don't smack your head against a tree!' (with bad british accent) 'BRILLIANT!'

(Everyone looks at him as if he's nuts.)

Jack (normally) 'What?'

_Voyager_

Janeway 'This planet could have something we need for our trip back home.'

Tom 'Like toilet paper?'

(Everybody cracks up laughing)

Janeway 'Vote time!'

(Everyone groans)

Janeway 'Raise your hand if you want to use the transporter which always breaks down everytime it's crucial to the plot, even though it's supposed to be a highly reliable piece of Federation technology.'

(No one raises their hand)

Janeway 'Or we could land the ship on the planet, even though that maneuver is only supposed to be used when there's no other options to get to the surface.'

(Everybody raises their hands)

Janeway (shrugs) 'Okay, we land.'

(The ship's lights dim, and yellow strips begin to flash.)

Janeway 'Computer, I didn't say 'yellow alert' yet.'

Computer 'Ooops. Sorry.'

Janeway 'Just don't let it happen again. I like feeling important.' (To Tom) 'Mr. Paris, initiate landing procedures.'

Tom 'Aye.' (He pushes some buttons on the panel in front of him.)

(Slowly the ship descends into the planet's atmosphere.)

_Sg-1_

Daniel 'What's that?' (points to a white streak descending into the sky)

Jack (looks through his binoculars) 'Looks like a U.L.S.'

Sam and Daniel (together) 'U.L.S.?'

Jack 'Yeah. Unidentified landing spaceship.'

(Sam and Daniel groan)

Jack (looking at them) 'What?'

Teal'c 'That was not a good joke.'

_Voyager_

(Aerial view of a model of Voyager settled on the ground, teeny-tiny things walking away from it.)

Mexican Flea Leader 'Arriba, Arriba, Arriba. Come on muchachos, I smell humans!'

Mexican Fleas (as one) 'Yaaaaayyyyyy!'

Second Unit Director Who Works For Paramount Studios (looks down at Voyager miniature) 'Hey Bob! What are these black things moving about on the model.'

Bob (Second Unit Chief Modeling Technician) (walks over, looks at model) 'Oh, shit, they're fleas.'

(Everyone in the studio panics, screams, runs around like chickens with their heads cut off)

Narrator 'Well, that was insane.'

(All the main characters of the Voyager series (sans Kes, duh) walk away from the landed Voyager, leaving a bunch of yellow-shirted officers who will most likely never make it back to Earth in charge of bridge operations.)

Seven of Nine (looks at her tricorder) 'I am detecting lots of energy being emitted, two kilometres in front of us.'

Chakotay 'How much is a lot?'

Seven 'In terms of errgs or joules?'

Chakotay 'In terms of…lots.'

Seven 'Lots of lots. Enough to open a wormhole back to Earth.'

Harry 'A wormhole back to Earth?'

(Tom rolls his eyes)

Tuvok (looks over Seven's shoulder at her tricorder) 'There is no way to know that with these readings.' (He looks at the display sideways, as if trying to see which way it makes more sense.) 'There is no way to know anything from these readings, they're complete gibberish.'

(Everyone walks toward Seven and looks at her tricorder.)

Janeway 'Is that Pac-Man?'

B'Elanna 'I don't think Pac-Man has little figures of Borg cubes.'

Seven 'I altered the original program to create this version.'

Harry 'Uhhh, about the wormhole…'

Janeway 'Right!' (Looks around at everyone, wondering if they noticed that she was 'stooped to their level') 'Seven, I don't want to see that game out again, or else… uhhhhh… I'll take it away from you.'

Everyone 'Awwwwnnnnnn.'

(Seven opens her mouth to protest, closes it, puts on a pouty face)

Janeway 'Don't look at me like that.'

(Seven composes herself)

Janeway 'Good. Now about this wormhole.'

Seven 'I never said the energy was a wormhole, I said the energy was enough to create a wormhole.'

Harry 'I feel it is my mission in life to point out wormholes (he does the air-quotes) back to Earth, and then get you lot to explore them.'

Janeway 'Well, since it has been a slow week, I suppose it couldn't hurt to investigate the energy signs. Plus, if we don't Harry will bug us all to death about it.'

Harry 'I would not.'

Tom 'Oh, please.'

(Harry looks like a sad puppy)

_Sg-1_

(The four members of Sg-1 walk to a highly convenient hill, where they can watch the 'spacecraft' without any of its passengers seeing them.)

Jack (looks through his binoculars) 'Well, they look mostly human.'

Daniel 'Mostly?' (he pulls out his own pair of binoculars)

(He sees a large group of people walking away from a large spacecraft. Most of the nine people in the group were human. Although there was a weird dog-man who looked a lot like Barf from Spaceballs, as well as an african male with very weird ears, a woman with malformed horns on her forehead, and a blonde haired woman with…)

Daniel 'Uhhh, Jack. Look at the blonde.'

Jack 'Daniel this is no time for sightseeing.' (continues to look at the ship)

Daniel 'tsk No! I think she's a replicator.'

Jack (turns and looks at Daniel through binoculars) 'What?'

Daniel (points) 'Look.'

(Jack looks back at the group)

(The blonde woman was wearing a tight one piece grey suit. One of her hands had what looked like the top half of a Goa'uld ribbon device on it, except it was black.)

_Voyager_

Seven (sees something through her borgified eye piece, then pushes some buttons on the tricorder) 'Captain.'

(Janeway turns to Seven)

Seven (almost whispering) 'I am detecting four lifesigns watching us from over that hill.'

Janeway 'Can you determine what they are?'

Seven (pushes another button, the tricorder bleeps, bloops, bopps, and self-detonates.) 'What the…!'

_Sg-1_

Jack 'Did you see that?'

Sam 'Yes.'

Jack 'What was that?'

Daniel 'It looked like some sort of explosion.'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

Jack 'Well, since they're either Goa'uld or Replicators, I haven't decided which yet, they're obviously out to get us.'

Sam 'That explosion must have been a bomb of some sort, and it must have been meant for us.'

Daniel 'The blond didn't plan for it to go off so soon after activation, which is why she was caught off guard.'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

Jack 'Well, whatever they are, they're obviously our enemies, and they're obviously going to try to get through the gate to destroy Earth.'

Sam 'Sir, if we kill them now, they can't kill us later.'

Daniel (mutters) 'That was brillant.'

Jack 'Good idea. Okay here's the plan…'

_Voyager_

B'Elanna (looks at the remains of Seven's tricorder) 'I have determined what happened to it.'

Chakotay 'What happened?'

B'Elanna 'It exploded.'

Harry (to Tom) 'She's brilliant.'

Tom (smugly) 'That's part of why I married her.' (He removes a small square-like device from his pocket, holds it to shoulder level, then pushes a button on it.)

(TAA-DAH, cool special effect. Suddenly the Doctor appears.)

(Everyone stares at the doc, and cracks up laughing.)

Doctor (looks around at everyone) 'What is so funny?' (he doesn't realize that his mobile emitter has somehow malfunctioned.)

Tom (trips backward over a rock while laughing, lands on the ground) 'Ow.' (he's laughing so hard he can barely breath) 'Wooooooo, laughs I can't breath.'

Narrator 'I just said that.'

Doctor (looks slightly annoyed) 'I am a doctor, not a jokebook. Would someone please tell me what they find so amusing about me.'

(Tom gets up)

Harry (just getting over a fit of the giggles) 'Oh, nothing…..Ma'am.'

(Everyone starts laughing again.)

Doctor 'Ma'am!'

Harry (between laughs) 'Look down.'

(Doctor looks down at his clothes. Somehow the mobile emitter, instead of projecting him in the image of his creator, Dr. Zimmerman, is projecting him as an old lady wearing a long green dress with a fox-fur scarf and a tall hat with a stuffed vulture on top.)

Doctor 'What's happened to my program?'

B'Elanna (walks over and checks his mobile emitter) 'Well, it looks as if your emitter projector has somehow been tampered with.' (she and the doctor both look to Tom)

Tom 'What? It wasn't me.'

B'Elanna 'Unfortunatly, I can't fix it here, I need tools that are on Voyager.'

Doctor 'Just leave it until we get back.'

B'Elanna 'Okay'

Doctor 'Although, can you get rid of the hat.'

B'Elanna 'Sure.' (she pushes a series of commands into the emitter, and the vulture hat disappears and is replaced by a bun of grey hair.)

(Doctor sighs)

_Sg-1_

Daniel 'Are we sure this plan will work?'

Jack 'Of course, what could go wrong?'

Daniel (counts off on his fingers) 'They could see it coming and hide, they could attack us before we could defend ourselves, we could get killed… do I have to go on?'

Jack 'Mister Negative.'

Daniel 'At least I'm being realistic, here. Tell, me. (points to his clothes) How does us wearing pink tu-tus fit into this attack plan of yours?'

Jack 'Easy. They'll be so distracted by the tu-tus, they won't see our attack.'

Daniel (sarcastically) 'Right.'

_Voyager_

Tuvok (looks at his tricorder) 'Four humanoid figures are closing in on our position.'

Janeway (pretending to be concerned) 'Where?'

Tuvok 'Three clicks in front of us.'

Tom ''Clicks?' What are you, in the military?'

Harry (smacks Tom upside the head) 'Why do you think we use military time, and have military ranks? Starfleet's just a futurized name for the military.'

Tom 'Ohhhhh, yeeaahh. Oops, my bad.'

Tuvok 'They're getting closer.'

Chakotay 'Phasers out.'

(Everyone (except Doctor and Neelix, who don't have phasers) take out their phasers.)Harry fumbles to get his out of its holster. In the process, the phaser turns sideways and fires. The beam curves around Seven, and heads in Voyager's direction. It hits an unnamed yellow-shirted ensign who's taking a smoke break outside the ship, and kills him.)

Chakotay 'Well, it's about time. It's been three days since the last yellowshirted ensign died.'

Janeway 'Too true.'

Harry 'Does this mean I'm off the hook?'

Tom (puts arm around Harry's shoulder) 'Yes, Harry. You're not going to be sacrificed after all.'

Harry 'Woo-hoo.'

(Suddenly four humanoid figures wearing pink tu-tus jump out from behind trees and runs like lunatics towards the group. One of the tu-tued people does a Xena attack-cry.)

Seven 'Don't kill them.'

Janeway 'What?'

(The big african tu-tu runs and tries to hit the doctor. The tu-tu, carried by his own weight falls through the doctor's hologram and lands on his face.)

(Doctor sighs)

(Seven stuns the fallen tu-tu)

(Chakotay does impressive, albeit, unnecessary stunts, stuns the blonde attacker)

Harry (for some unknown reason, his phaser malfunctions, therefore he is unable to stun the attacker that's biting his leg) 'Owwwwww. Some help over here, please.'

(Tom fires his phaser at the tu-tu on Harry's leg.)

Jack (looks, shocked, at Neelix) 'Oh my god. It's an Elton John dog-man.'

(Janeway stuns Jack)

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References mentioned in Episode One: 

1) Jack (looks to Teal'c) 'Don't smack your head against a tree!' (with bad british accent) 'BRILLIANT!' _Refers to the popular Guiness Beer commercials._

2) Chakotay 'How much is a lot?'…  
Seven 'Lots of lots. Enough to open a wormhole back to Earth.' _Refers to the Stargate Atlantis episode: 'Home.'_

3) Sam 'Sir, if we kill them now, they can't kill us later.' _Semi-reference to Stargate SG-1 episode: 'Moebius.' Jack says to Sam "If I kill him Ra now, I won't have to do it in 5,000 years."_

4) (Somehow the mobile emitter, instead of projecting him in the image of his creator, Dr. Zimmerman, is projecting him as an old lady wearing a long green dress with a fox-fur scarf and a tall hat with a stuffed vulture on top.) _Reference to Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_

5) Tom ''Clicks?' What are you, in the military?' _Line from the movie Evolution.

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A/N: Please review. 


	2. Episode Two: Introductions

Stargate Voyager  
by mermaid2bseeker

**EPISODE TWO: INTRODUCTIONS, AND MAYBE AN EXPOSITION OR TWO**

_Voyager, Sick Bay_

(All the Voyager main characters are in Sick Bay, except for B'Elanna, who's in engineering. All four members of SG-1 are unconscious, and on separate med-beds. The cute little life-sign computer panels on the walls over the beds are playing Pong with each other.)

Doctor (dressed normally) 'Well, all I can say with any certainty is that they are alive.'

Janeway 'What?'

Doctor 'Everytime I try to do a scan on any of their bodies, my instruments bleep, bloop, bopp, and self-detonate.' (points to a pile of charred instruments on the floor of his office.) 'I lost my best medical tricorder.'

Seven (looking at Teal'c's pouch) 'This one is not like the others.'

Doctor (walks over to Teal'c) 'What do you mean?'

Seven (lifts up Teal'c shirt and shows the Doc Teal'c's pouch) 'You did not notice this?'

Doctor (looks around at everyone who's staring at him) 'No.'

Seven (lifts up a flap of Teal'c's pouch to look inside it) 'There appears to be something living inside him.'

(Suddenly, Teal'c sits up and grabs Seven's hand)

Teal'c 'Do not do that.'

Seven 'You are of species 857.'

(All Voyager characters stare at Seven and Teal'c. The rest of Sg-1, as stated before, are still knocked out.)

Teal'c 'Yuk'll'ae'lae." (looks at her suspiciously)

Tom (whispering to Harry) 'What did he say?'

Harry (whispering back) 'Sounded like Ukelleilee.'

Tom 'What's that?'

Harry 'I think it's a twentieth century Hawaiian guitar.'

Tom 'Man, every five minutes it's twentieth century this, twentieth century that. Geez Louise.'

Jack (rises to a sitting position) 'Ow,' (rubs the back of his head) 'What a head-trip. Hey, T?'

Teal'c 'Yes, O'Neill.'

Jack 'Do you see the dog-man too, or I am still out of it?'

Teal'c 'Indeed I do.'

Neelix 'I am not a dog-man.'

Jack 'Woah. It talks.'

Daniel (still laying, reaches up to shield his eyes from the bright overhead lights) 'You know, I distinctly remember someone saying that wearing pink tu-tus would distract them.' (sits up, detaches his tu-tu from around his pants and throws it (his tu-tu, not his pants) into Jack's face)

Janeway 'Who are you?'

(Doctor goes over to Sam with a hypospray)

Jack (to Doctor, as he's undoing his own tu-tu) 'Careful, she might bite your hand.'

(Doctor gives Sam a wake-up shot)

Sam 'Who are you?' (sits up)

Janeway 'I asked first.'

Jack 'I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill' (points to Sam) 'Major Samantha Carter' (points to Daniel) 'Doctor Daniel Jackson' (points to Teal'c) 'and Teal'c. Now, it's your turn.'

Janeway 'I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway' (points to Chakotay) 'Commander Chakotay' (points to Seven) 'Seven of Nine…'

(While Janeway continues doing introductions, Jack reads a newspaper, Daniel and Teal'c play a game of chess, and Sam plays solitare, all for the sole purpose of illustrating how much time is elapsing.)

Janeway '…and this' (points to Harry) 'is Ensign Harry Kim.'

Harry (cheerfully) 'I'm always last.'

(Jack's newspaper suddenly disappears)

Jack (to Narrator) 'Hey, I was in the middle of Garfield.'

Narrator 'I gave you the sports section.'

Jack 'No you didn't'

Narrator 'Yes I did.'

Jack 'No you didn't.'

Narrator 'Did.'

Jack 'Why do we always have to follow what you say? You don't run our lives!'

Narrator 'Wanna bet.' (rewinds the scene)

(Jack's newspaper suddenly disappears)

Daniel (with a fake british accent) 'Jack, were you fighting with the narrator.'

Jack 'He started it.'

Narrator 'Did not.'

Jack 'Did too.'

Janeway 'Bleeeaaaahhh!'

(Everyone looks to her)

Janeway 'God that was annoying.'

(Seven walks over to Daniel)

Jack 'He always gets the chicks.'

(Daniel throws a raspberry to Jack)

Seven (scans Daniel with her borg eye implant) inhales sharply 'Species zero-zero-zero-one.'

Janeway, Chakotay, Doctor, Jack, Sam 'What!'

Seven 'He is of the first species the borg ever encountered…'

Daniel, Jack 'What!'

Seven (like she's talking to herself) '…Yet, you are also human.'

Daniel 'I'm all human.'

Seven 'No, none of you are all human.'

Jack, Sam, Daniel 'What?'

Jack 'Hey, hey, hey. I'm human, alright, unless I'm a robot, but the chances that that happened again….'

Sam '…are very slim, sir.'

Jack 'Yeah, slim.'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

Janeway 'Seven, what do you mean by, un, how do you think, uh,' (gets frusrated) 'Bleahhh!' (mutters) 'I need a script writer.'

Neelix 'Don't we all?'

Sam 'Whoa, it talks.'

Jack 'I know.'

Neelix 'I am not an 'it.'

Doctor 'We don't know what he is.'

Neelix 'I'm a talaxian. Thank you very much.'

Daniel 'Did you just say you're a laxative?'

(Everyone except Neelix and Tuvok, who has no sense of humor, laugh)

Chakotay (to Janeway) 'Weren't you going to ask Seven something?'

Janeway 'Right' (to Seven) 'Why do you believe that he' (points to Daniel) 'is…uh… uh…whatever you said he was?'

Seven 'A member of species 0001?'

Janeway 'Yeah, that.'

Seven 'Using my Borg eye implant I scanned Dr. Jackson…'

Daniel 'I feel so violated.'

Harry 'You can do that?'

Seven 'Of course. I am, I mean, was borg. Therefore I am much better then you are.'

Jack 'Better?'

Seven (taunts) 'Bet-ter, fast-ter, strong-er.'

Sam 'Oh my god! You're a robot.'

Seven 'Correction. I am a human that has been fitted with electronic devices.'

Sam 'Why?'

Seven 'To achieve perfection, duh.'

Sam 'Oh.'

Narrator 'Uh, excuse me?'

Seven 'Yes.'

Narrator 'Weren't you going to explain about Daniel?'

Seven 'You want me to do it now?'

Narrator 'Yes.'

Seven 'Why?'

Narrator 'Because...uh… I run your lives, that's why.'

Seven 'Whatever.'

Narrator 'What did you say?'

Seven 'Nothing.'

Narrator 'Good.'

(NARRATOR'S WARNING: IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ SEVEN'S SEMI-LONG EXPOSITORY TALE SKIP THIS SECTION. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN IT'S OVER.)

Tom (to Narrator) 'Thanks for the warning.' (to Harry) 'You wanna play the Captain Proton holoprogram.'

Harry 'Yeah.'

(Tom and Harry leave to go to the holodeck. Neelix leaves to cook some weird concoction that the crew members will have to eat for dinner. Tuvok leaves to go to the bridge and do whatever it is he does there.)

Seven 'About ten million years ago there was a race of beings who spread their 'seeds' on most of the worlds of this galaxy. Unfortunatly a large group of them were dying of a plague, so they began to experiment for ways to prolong their own lives. There were many failures, but then they found a way to meld technology with biological tissue. The first ever borgs were created by using infected volunteers. This proved successful as the technology actually eradicated the plague from the infected tissue. The beings were so pleased that all of their people went through the proceedure. Centuries later the technological components became sentient and eventually intelligent. Its original programming had been altered somehow, instead of eliminating the plague, it now destroyed all imperfection. The others, who had never been infected, therefore, never underwent the proceedures, felt so threatened by the Borg that they banished them to the opposite end of the galaxy. Now, after all those years the Borg are too large for words to describe, they travel the galaxy asimilating any biological tissue it comes into contact with, thus infecting the tissue with its technology. They have colonies all over the galaxy, and grow exponentially every day.'

(END OF SEVEN'S MONOLOGUE)

Daniel 'But what does all that have to do with me?'

Seven 'You are one of those original beings.'

Daniel 'Oh. My. God.'

Jack 'What is it?'

Daniel 'Remember when I ascended?'

Jack 'Yeah.'

Daniel 'When I came down I had the Ancient's gene in me.'

Janway 'So these Ancients created the Borg?'

(Daniel get a shocked expression on his face, stares out into space)

Doctor 'What's wrong with him?'

Jack 'Oh, man, he's done it again.'

Doctor 'What?'

Jack 'He thought too hard.' (to Sam) 'You know, I told him not to do that anymore.'

(Sam shrugs)

(Teal'c, who has been so quiet everyone forgot he was there, speaks up.)

Teal'c 'If the Ancients created the Borg, and Daniel has the Ancient gene, will he not be able to influence the Borg technology?'

Sam 'Well, it's about time someone said that. I figured it out before I even knew it, that's how smart I am.'

Jack 'I thought I told you not to brag anymore.'

Sam 'Oh, you were being serious when you said that?'

Jack 'No. Never mind.'

* * *

References mentioned in Episode Two:

1) Jack 'Why do we always have to follow what you say? You don't run our lives!'  
Narrator 'Wanna bet.' (rewinds the scene)…  
Daniel (with a fake british accent) 'Jack, were you fighting with the narrator.' _Reference to the movie George of the Jungle._

2) Jack 'Hey, hey, hey. I'm human, alright, unless I'm a robot, but the chances that that happened again….' _Reference to Stargate Sg-1 episode: 'Tin Man.'

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A/N: please review. 


	3. Episode Three: Weird Things

Stargate Voyager  
by mermaid2bseeker

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**EPISODE THREE: WEIRD THINGS AND REALIZATION**

_Somewhere on the ship where there's a scientific lab_

(A bunch of Voyager's characters, I'm too lazy to decide who yet, are in the lab, along with all of Sg-1. By this time Daniel has recovered from his brain fart.)

B'Elanna (holds a petri dish out to Seven) 'Give me some nanites.'

(Seven makes her two little black tubes shoot out of the back of her hand)

Jack 'Whoa!'

Daniel 'Hello!'

Seven (sighs) 'Jeez, that's the reaction I get from everyone. Talk about being prejudiced.' (she makes grey liquid squirt out of the tubes into the dish.)

B'Elanna (puts the petri dish under scanner) 'These are borg nanites.' (pushes a button)

(One of the computer panels playing Donkey Kong switch to a microscopis view of the dish)

Sam 'Wow, it really is like looking into a microscope and seeing a thousand dancing hamsters.'

Daniel 'Those are strange nanites.'

(On the screen are a thousand hamsters dancing and singing idiotically)

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

Jack 'What are they singing?'

(The volume increases on the screen)

Hamsters (as one) 'I cut down trees, I wear high heels, Suspendies and a bra, I wish I'd been a girle, Just like my dear pappa…'

Tom 'Well, that was insane.'

Tuvok 'Indeed.'

Teal'c 'Hey, that's my line.'

Tuvok 'Eat my shorts!'

Teal'c 'Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?'

Harry 'That's no moon, that's a spacestation!'

Janeway 'To boldly go where no one has gone before!'

Fox Mulder 'The truth is out there.'

Jack 'Use the force!'

Daniel 'Appearances can be deceiving!'

Sam 'One man's ceiling is another man's floor!'

Chakotay 'A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell!'

Neelix 'Never run with scissors?'

Fred Flintstone 'Yabba Dabba Doo!'

Rodney McKay 'Bing, tiddle, tiddle, bong!'

Bon Jovi 'Living on a prayer!'

Nemo, Dory, Marlin 'We come from a land down under!'

Seven 'Resistance is futile.'

B'Elanna 'Today is a good day to die.'

Donald Trump 'You're fired.'

Narrator 'Bleeeeaaahhh! Okay, so I got a little carried away.'

Jack 'What were we talking about again?'

(Sam shruggs)

Jack 'Hey, where can you get a bite to eat around here?'

Neelix 'The mess hall of course.'

_Mess Hall_

(Sg-1 are all sitting at a table in the mess hall. Neelix is in the kitchen cooking what Sg-1 ordered.)

Jack 'You have a very nice ship, here.'

Janeway 'Thank you.'

Teal'c 'Goa'uld motherships are bigger.'

(Banging, sizzling, and other noises come from the kitchen.)

Daniel 'He's the cook, here?'

Tom 'Yeah, but I'd be careful about eating his cooking.'

Neelix (from kitchen) 'I heard that!'

Tom (yelling back) 'Well it's true!'

Jack 'How do you mean?'

Harry 'Well, he'll cook weird grass from an alien planet and call it spaghetti.'

Jack 'Ah.'

Tom 'Trust me, if you want eat something that tastes even remotely normal, use the replicators.'

(All four members of Sg-1 stare at Tom.)

Sam (gets scared expression on her face) 'Replicators?' (whispers) 'Fifth.' (Faints and falls out of her chair.)

Daniel 'Are you in league with the Replicators?'

Jack 'This is a trap. Isn't it?'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

Janeway (confused) 'What?'

Jack 'Of course, it all makes sense.'

Daniel 'The robot woman is some sort of human-replicator hybrid.'

Teal'c 'A most interesting ploy.'

Janeway 'Bleeeeaaahhhhh! What are you talking about?'

Sam (gets up off ground, sits down) 'Replicators? You know, blue mechanical bugs that are made up of individual blocks that can change shape to make anything.'

Tom (Gets up walks over to replicator panel) 'This is a replicator. It can be a little annoying when it doesn't understand what you want.'

Jack 'Huh.'

Tom 'Watch.' (to replicator) 'Tomato soup.'

Replicator 'What variety?'

Tom 'Earth variety.'

Replicator 'Please specify which Earth variety.'

Tom 'Surprise me.'

Replicator 'What temperature?'

Tom (gets a little frustrated) 'Never mind' (mumbles) 'You stupid fudging toaster wannabe.'

Replicator 'I heard that.'

Tom (blows raspberry, sits down) 'See, I told you, annoying.'

Sam 'I got a question? If you're here who's manning the bridge?'

Janeway 'Who knows.'

Sam 'How can you not know?'

Janeway 'Oh, I know. I just don't care.'

Sam 'Why?'

Janeway 'It's some yellowshirted ensign who won't survive to the end of the day.'

Daniel 'Why won't he make it?'

Janeway 'He's gonna die of course.'

Teal'c 'Ritual sacrificing. Interesting.'

Janeway 'There's no sacrifice involved.'

Jack 'Then why would he die?'

Janeway (rolls her eyes) 'He's wearing a yellow shirt. Duh.'

Jack 'What do yellow shirts have to do with it?'

Janeway 'Watch.' (points to a yellow shirted ensign sitting with some friends at the other end of the mess hall.)

Y.S. ensign 'Ahhhhhhh.' (something starts pushing out of his chest. He flops on the table. His friends scream, run around. His shirt gets all bloody, and a little, pink, disgusting alien pops it's head out of his chest) 'Not again.'

(The alien jumps out of his chest and lands on the bar counter, wearing a top hat and tie, and carrying a black cane.)

Alien (dances across the counter, singing) 'Hello my baby, hello my darling, hello my ragtime gal. Send me a kiss by wire, baby my heart's on fire. If you refuse me, baby you'll lose me, then you'll be all alone. So baby, tell me I the one.' (Disappears through a small doggy door at the end of the counter)

Janeway 'Wow, that's never happened before.'

Daniel 'What did he order?'

Neelix 'The number two special.'

(All four of Sg-1 look at each other, spooked.)

Sg-1 (in unison) 'Check please.'

Tom (as they're leaving the mess hall) 'Told you. Never trust anything Neelix cooks.'

_The Briefing room, or wherever_

Narrator 'The following contains boring dialogue with some funny lines sprinkled in. If you want to skip it that's fine. But if you do go on to the next chapter without reading this, you will be very confused.'

Janeway 'There were no indignious people anywhere on the planet, except for you four. And we detected no signs of warp engines. So how did you get here?'

Sam 'We used the Stargate, of course.'

Chakotay 'Stargate?'

Jack 'You know, the huge, honking, two story, metal ring with 39 little symbols engraved on it.'

Janeway 'No, we don't know.'

Daniel 'You must know about it. Every space-travelling species we've encountered had discovered their Stargate at some point or another.'

Janeway 'You mean there are more of these things?'

Sam 'Yeah, thousands, possibly even millions. Most of the planets in this galaxy have at least one.'

Harry 'Too bad Earth doesn't have one. Elsewise we could be home like that.' (snaps fingers)

Tom 'What is it with you and ways to get home? It's like you're obsessed or something.'

Harry 'I am.'

Teal'c 'On the contrary, currently there are two stargates on Earth.'

(Everyone in the room, who I am not going to waste time listing, looks to Teal'c.)

Janeway 'What?'

Sam 'We discovered stargates in Egypt, and Antarctica.'

Tom 'What?'

Narrator 'Warning. It's just about time for some of Tom's lines that reference just how much Earth history he knows. Because as we all know, an episode of Voyager just can't be allowed to air without Tom saying something about the history of Earth, usually circa the twentieth century.'

Tom (to narrator) 'That was mean.'

B'Elanna 'Honey, he's right you know.'

Tom (puts on a pouty face) 'I'm not going to say it, and you can't make me.'

Narrator 'Fine.'

Jack 'Riiiiiiight. Okay, moving on, now.'

Janeway 'You used this Stargate to travel here?'

Jack 'Oh, yeah. We do it all the time.'

Janeway 'Do you know where you are, right now?'

Sam '50,000 lightyears from earth.'

(Suddenly Tom's head explodes.)

B'Elanna 'Oh, my god. What happened?'

Daniel 'He held in information that was crucial to the plot for too long. It's happened to me a couple of times. He'll be fine in a few minutes.'

B'Elanna 'Oh. Okay.'

Jack 'Whoa! Hang on. I think I just figured something out, before anyone else did. Which never happens. You lot are from Earth.'

Teal'c 'Strange.'

Chakotay 'Not all of us were born on Earth. But Starfleet itself is from Earth.'

Jack 'Ah.'

Sam 'There is no Starfleet on Earth.'

Jack 'I was about to say that.'

Janeway 'I assure you there is.'

Jack 'We have a higher security clearance than President Hayes. If there was a Starfleet, we'd know about it.'

Tom (gets up off of floor, his head looks normal again) 'President Hayes?'

Jack 'Yeah.'

Tom 'He was the 44th president of what was then call the Unified States of America.'

Daniel 'That's 'united'.'

Tom 'Oh, my bad. United States of America.' (to Jack) 'What year is it?'

Jack 'Two thousand and four.'

Tom 'It's twenty-three seventy.'

Jack, Daniel, Sam 'Ah.'

Daniel 'That would explain things.'

Tom 'You're taking this pretty well.'

Daniel 'Well, considering what's happened to us over the past seven years. Jumping three hundred years into the future doesn't seem unreasonable.'

Janeway 'All that's happened to you?'

Jack 'I got really old, once.'

Daniel 'Had robot copies made of ourselves.'

Sam 'Inhabited by a parasite.'

Jack 'Me too.'

Daniel 'Zapped by a weird skull, and got all out of phase.'

Teal'c, Jack 'We switched bodies.'

Jack, Daniel 'So did we.'

Sam (points to Jack, Daniel, and herself) 'Us three all became cavemen.'

Jack 'Got cloned.'

Teal'c 'Do not forget the time we went back to 1969.'

Jack 'Had an Ancient's database put in my head, twice.'

Teal'c 'Experienced multiple time-loops.'

Sam 'All of us had a machine entity named Urgo put in our heads.'

Daniel 'I ascended.'

Jack 'Multiple realities.'

(The Voyager crew looks shocked momentarily.)

Tom 'That's nothing. I was once possessed by a space craft.'

Doctor 'I was possessed by a warhead.'

B'Elanna 'I got split into two people.'

Tuvok, Neelix 'We got melded into one person.'

Harry 'We all got infected by really big bugs.'

Jack 'Hey, so did Teal'c.'

Teal'c 'I told you never to mention that to anyone.'

Jack 'Sorry.'

Janeway, Chakotay 'We spent a Year in Hell.'

Seven 'The entire crew was cloned.'

Janeway 'Tom and I switched bodies.'

Chakotay 'We've all had false memories of one thing or another.'

Harry 'I was almost assimilated.'

B'Elanna 'Well, I was assimilated.'

Tuvok 'I baked a cake and made origami.'

Doctor (points to Seven) 'We became parents to an advanced borg.'

Neelix, Tom 'We became parents to an alien baby.'

Tom (points to Janeway) 'We turned into lizards and procreated.'

B'Elanna (slaps him) 'You did what.'

Tom 'I didn't mean to.'

(B'Elanna leaves the room)

Tom 'Honeybuns, come back!' (chases after her)

Narrator 'Now that you've compared your 'battle wounds,' can we move on please?'

Daniel 'Why can't the powers that be ever give us a normal day?'

Harry 'Because if we had a normal day TPTB'd have to call us Reality TV.'

Seven (wakes up from her nap) 'I have figured out what happened.'

Sam 'You were asleep.'

Seven 'Since I am Borg, my physical body can be sleeping yet my central processing unit can be fully functional.'

Sam 'I wanna be able to do that. Waaaaaaahhh' (Cries like a little baby)

Jack 'What difference would it make? You never sleep anyways.'

Seven 'Either Sg-1 or Voyager encountered a temporal vortex. Resulting in a 300 year leap.'

Chakotay 'But which time period are we in right now?'

Jack 'Ours.'

Chakotay 'How do you know?'

Sam 'Periodically, we have to radio back to the SGC. Which we were able to do. Therefore, we are in 2004.'

Chakotay 'Ah.'

Harry 'Aw, man. Does this remind anyone of that time we went through a temporal anamoly and ended up in 1997 San Francisco?'

Jack 'That was you up there!'

Janeway 'You saw us in orbit?'

Daniel 'Yeah. You gave us quite a scare.'

Janeway 'Oh, sorry.'

Harry 'My point is, everytime we have a chance of going back to Earth, it's either Q-ified, Borg-related, or time-erased. This sucks.'

Sam 'Sir, we might be able to send them back to Earth in their own time.'

Janeway, Jack 'How?'

* * *

References mentioned in Episode Three:

1) Sam 'Wow, it really is like looking into a microscope and seeing a thousand dancing hamsters.' _Line from Stargate Atlantis episode 'Home.'_

2) Hamsters (as one) 'I cut down trees, I wear high heels, Suspendies and a bra, I wish I'd been a girle, Just like my dear pappa…' _They are singing the Lumberjack Song from Monty Python's Flying Circus_

3) Tuvok 'Eat my shorts!' _Bart Simpson's catch phrase._

4) Teal'c 'Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?' _Clint Eastwood famous line._

5) Harry 'That's no moon, that's a spacestation!' _Line from Star Wars._

6) Janeway 'To boldly go where no one has gone before!' _Federation motto._

7) Fox Mulder 'The truth is out there.' _Motto of the X-Files._

8) Jack 'Use the force!' _Jedi motto._

9) Daniel 'Appearances can be deceiving!'…  
Neelix 'Never run with scissors?' _Lines from the Stargate Sg-1 episode: 'Urgo.'_

10) Fred Flintstone 'Yabba Dabba Doo!' _Self-explanitory._

11) Rodney McKay 'Bing, tiddle, tiddle, bong!' _Line from Stargate Atlantis episode: 'Home.'_

12)Bon Jovi 'Living on a prayer!' _Famous song from the 80s._

13) Nemo, Dory, Marlin 'We come from a land down under!' _Famous song_

14) Seven 'Resistance is futile.' _Borg battle cry._

15) B'Elanna 'Today is a good day to die.' _Klingon battle cry._

16) Donald Trump 'You're fired.' _The Apprentice battle cry._

17) Tom 'Watch.' (to replicator) 'Tomato soup.'…  
Replicator 'Please specify which Earth variety.'  
Tom 'Surprise me.' _Reference to the Star Trek Voyager episode: 'Caretaker.'_

18) Y.S. ensign 'Ahhhhhhh.' (something starts pushing out of his chest. He flops on the table. His friends scream, run around. His shirt gets all bloody, and a little, pink, disgusting alien pops it's head out of his chest) 'Not again.'…_Scene from the movie Spaceballs.

* * *

_

A/N: Please review. 


	4. Episode Four: How

Stargate Voyager  
by mermaid2bseeker

A/N: I changed the ending to this chapter, so it's a little longer. You all should read it.

* * *

**EPISODE FOUR: 'HOW?'**

_The Briefing room, or wherever_

Narrator 'For all of you people who skipped that last section in episode three, I suggest you all go back and read it. Or else you are going to be sooooo confused.'

(Tom and B'Elanna come back from their lover's spat. B'Elanna smooths her disheaveled hair and Tom zips up his uniform jacket before sitting down.)

Sam 'P2X-555.'

Tom 'Geshundite.'

Janeway 'What?'

Sam 'It's the name we gave the planet whose coordinates were opposite our sun. It took us to 1969.'

Jack 'Ah.' (looks like he's reminiscing) '1969.'

Daniel 'But we aren't on Earth…so the planet… isn't opposite… the sun to us… anymore.' (looks slightly confused)

Jack 'It's okay big fella, I don't get it either.'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

B'Elanna 'I think that makes all of us.'

Sam (speaking like she can't believe nobody understands her) 'We don't use the coordinates to P2X-555. It's the principal of the thing.' (to Janeway) 'Do have a star map, or something.'

Janeway 'Yeah.' (presses a button on her table)

(One of the panels showing an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus changes to a map of the galaxy.)

Sam 'Okay. Earth is somewhere here.' (points to an arm of the Milky Way.) 'and we are here.' (points to the opposite end of the galaxy) 'All we have to do is dial the coordinates of a planet directly opposite this planet's sun, at the exact moment a solar flare occurs.'

Daniel 'I thought it was impossible to determine the exact moment of a solar flare.'

Sam 'With our currect level of technology it is. But perhaps Voyager's computers could do it.'

B'Elanna 'I would have to recalibrate the doohickey to scan for density changes in the sun's whatchamacallit.'

Tom 'Are those the technical terms?'

B'Elanna 'Yes, they are.'

Harry 'How would this get us home?'

Sam 'If the wormhole itself was re-directed closer to the sun because of the sun's magnetic field the increased gravity could slingshot us back to Earth.'

Janeway 'Something similar to what you're suggesting was used by James T. Kirk two centuries ago. They slingshotted the Enterprise around a sun to travel back in time.'

Sam 'Well, we would be using it to go forward in time.'

Jack 'I don't mean to be a downer on this whole thing, but I thought the only reason it worked before was because we don't have a DHD.'

Sam 'Yeah, that would be a slight problem, we would have to remove the DHD's safety protocal crystals.'

Daniel 'Isn't that bad?'

Sam 'Yes.'

Daniel 'Ah.'

Chakotay 'From your description, the Stargate isn't big enough to encompass Voyager.'

Sam 'No, it's not.'

Chakotay 'That could be a problem.'

(Jack laughs a little)

Sam 'Not really. I'm so smart I can take apart the entire Stargate ring, and form an event horizon much larger than it could ever be normally.'

Chakotay 'Oh, okay.'

(Suddenly, Tuvok bursts into the room.)

Tuvok 'Captain!' (shouts excitedly) 'I have found something disturbing in the computer's memory banks!'

Tom 'Are you alright? You seen very…'

Harry '…un-vulcan-ish."

(The doctor's image appears on a wall montior.)

Doctor 'Yes, he does seem very un-vulcan-ish. I finally performed that brain operation I'd been threatening to do for years. He seems much better now, don't you think?"

Janeway 'Oh, yes. Definitely.'

(The doctor disappears from the screen.)

Chakotay 'What did you find?"

Tuvok 'This.' (he skips over to where Sam was explaining, and changes the screen to an exterior sensor image) 'Watch.' (he pushes a button, video footage starts playing)

(It's a time-lapse video record of Voyager being in a large building. People walk into view and talk back and forth, lots of hand gesturing.—Scientists in white lab coats take parts of Voyager apart and do tests on it.–More people talking.—More scientists.—Suddenly ex-vice-president Kinsey appears, he is talking to a man in a black pressed suit.)

Teal'c 'Whoa.'

Jack 'Hey, play it normally. What are they saying?'

(The video plays in real-time and the volume goes up.)

Kinsey 'I don't care what it takes. I want every single piece of technology on board copied and used for sinister purposes to rid alien species of any advanced technology they may have.'

Man 'How? It's far beyond anything we've ever encountered. We wouldn't know where to begin.'

Kinsey 'You're N.I.D., figure it out!'

(The man nods and walks off camera. Kinsey walks closer to the ship, looking intently at it. A different man walks on screen and approaches Kinsey. )

Man2 'Sir, we've got it.'

Kinsey 'You do! Well let me see it.'

(The man hands a small box to Kinsey, who opens it and gasps.)

Kinsey 'I didn't think they'd have it in my size.' (he pulls a pair of green tights, a green tunic-like shirt, and oddly shaped hat from the box.) 'Get the others and get dressed, I want to rehearse right now!'

Man2 'Yes, sir.' (he walks off camera)

Kinsey (hugs the clothing to his body) 'Finally.' (he looks around suspiciously, then walks off camera.)

Sam (horror-stricken) 'Oh. My. God.'

Jack 'What the hell is he going to do with those?'

Tuvok 'Just watch.'

(Kinsey walks back on screen wearing the outfit, and looking like one of Robin Hood's merry men)

Daniel 'Holy shit.'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

(About a dozen men all dress the same as Kinsey walk on screen, and line up in two rows, with Kinsey front-and-center. Kinsey nods his head and a forest backdrop lowers behind them. A few seconds later some type of can-can music begins to play.)

Kinsey 'Ready! And…'

Merry men in unison (doing leg-kicks of a can-can dance) 'La, la. La, la ,la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la.)

Daniel, and Harry 'Aahhhh.' (fall backwards off their chairs in shock)

Kinsey (boisterously) 'We're men.'

Merry men - 'We're men in tights.' (high pitched) 'Tight-tights. Oh, we may look like sissies, but don't get us wrong or else we'll punch our your lights.' (everyone does a synchronized punching motion, one of the men punches in the wrong direction, hitting another man in the face.)

Jack 'Turn it off!'

Tuvok (pushes a button, the video footage disappears) 'There are several video-files of this.'

Jack 'The inhumanity.'

Teal'c 'Is this typical behavior of Earth men?'

Tom (sarcastically) 'Ohhh, yeaahh. We 'Earthmen' spend all our time dancing the can-can. The only reason I'm not wearing my green suit is cause it shrank in the dryer.'

Teal'c 'I doubt that very much.'

Tom 'Why?'

Teal'c 'Green would not look good on you. You're a red-head.'

_Later, planet's surface, at the DHD_

Jack 'Are we sure this will work?'

Sam 'Positive.'

Daniel 'What if it doesn't?'

Janeway 'Then we might be violating the Temporal Prime Directive.'

Tom 'Oh, please, we do that all the time. It's part of the Star Trek Voyager Writers' Bible, _Everytime you cannot think of a good story line, have the crew alter the time line and then fix it._'

Daniel 'Hey, we have one of those type things, too. _Everytime a plot is needed use the character Apophis_. We've killed him so many times, it isn't even funny anymore.'

Seven 'We do not have a choice.'

Chakotay 'Why not?'

Seven 'It has already happened.'

Harry 'What?'

Seven 'According to Voyager's database, 300 years ago relative to our own time, this happened. Not only that, but how else do you explain the video footage?'

Everyone 'Huh?'

Sam 'Like a self-fulfilling prophecy?'

Seven 'Sorta.'

Janeway 'Hang on. I will decide what to do, because I am the Captain!'

Neelix 'So? I Am the Walrus!'

Jack 'I'm Henry the VIII, I Am!'

B'Elanna 'I Am Woman!'

Tom (squeezes B'Elanna's butt) 'Baby Got Back.'

Teal'c 'I Am the Warrior.'

Seven 'Love Machine.'

Harry 'Oops, I Did it Again.'

Chakotay 'I Rode Through the Desert on A Horse With No Name.'

Daniel (points to the sky) 'Yellow Submarine.' (A yellow submarine is streaking through the clouds.)

Doctor 'Wheel in the Sky.' (The submarine turns into a gigantic wheel, slowly rotating.)

Apophis 'Staying Alive.'

Hathor 'I Put a Spell on You.'

Daniel (to Hathor) 'You Give Love a Bad Name.'

Anubis 'Shadows of the Night.'

Everybody 'Beat It.'

Jared from Subway 'Eat It.'

Tuvok 'Girl Power.'

Harry 'Dream Weaver.'

Jack (to Sam) 'Heartbreaker.'

Sam 'It's My Life.'

Neelix 'You Only Live Twice.'

Naomi Wildman 'We Are Young.'

Rodney McKay 'I'm A Lumberjack and I'm Okay.'

Tom 'Papa Don't Preach.'

Janeway 'Respect.'

Narrator 'Okay I got a little carried away again. But I just couldn't help it.' (Smacks forehead.) 'Oh, great! Now I forgot what was going to happen next.' (Begins to think hard.)

(A few minutes pass, a couple of crickets chirp.)

_U.S.S. Timeship_

(A long long time from now, in a galaxy far far, no wait, it's in our own galaxy. Three officers aboard the _U.S.S. Timeship_ are watching television.)

Larry 'You know The Real World just hasn't been the same since they added Cardassians to the mix.'

Moe 'Yeah, but those Klingons really needed someone to fight, now that the humans and them have a peace treaty.'

Curly (turns up volume) 'Shut up, commercial's over.'

(The three of them lean forward on the couch and watch as _The Real World: Riza_ house falls into chaos again. Out of nowhere a bright red klaxon honks and flashes.)

Moe 'Dammit, just when it was getting good.'

Curly 'Yeah, yeah.'

(They leave the room and head to the command center.)

Captain 'We have a level three alert!'

Larry 'What, how'd it get so bad!'

TimeTechnician 'We're still working off Windows 95 so we didn't notice it before.'

Curly 'I thought this was a (air quotes) Time Ship (end air quotes). Doesn't time have no meaning here?'

Captain 'I wish.'

TimeTechnician 'It just became a level four!'

Moe 'Holy shit…taki mushrooms.'

Larry 'What are we gonna do?'

Captain 'We'll do what we do and we'll shut up about it.'

Larry, Moe, and Curly 'Yes, sir!'

Captain 'Prepare the TimeSled.'

TimeTechnician 'Sir, this isn't Timecop. We have shuttles, not sleds.'

Captain 'Right! Prepare the TimeShuttle.' (Points to Larry and Moe) 'You two are going back to 2004, to right what went wrong. Get those people back where they belong.'

Larry, Moe (salute) 'Yes sir.' (leave bridge)

Curly 'Man, I never get to go.'

_TimeShuttle_

Larry (in pilot's chair) 'Hey, come on. Time's awasting.'

Moe 'Oh, very funny.' (buckles up)

Larry 'What'cha doing that for, this is space, ain't nothing to hit.'

Moe 'The way you drive, I'm more worried about flying out the window on a sharp turn.'

Larry 'Shut up.' (into comm) 'This is Shuttle Zero-One, ready for takeoff.'

(The shuttle bay doors open, and Shuttle 01 takes off like a bat out of hell.)

Larry 'Yeeeehaaaw.'

Moe 'I think I'm gonna vomit.'

Larry 'Not in the car!'

Captain (through comm) '01, you have a green light for temporal insertion.'

Larry 'Aye, Aye.' (Guns the engine to 88 miles an hour, the shuttle disappears in a flash of orange lightning.)

_PABC54321-90210-1-800-JENNY-CRAIG present day_

(On the farside of the planet, Shuttle Zero-One enters the atmosphere with a fiery sonic boom.)

Larry 'Wooo-hooo. I love this thing.'

Moe 'That's it. I want your driver's licence.'

Larry 'What licence? Aw, quit your whining, we're here.' (Pushes a button, the shuttle becomes invisible.) 'ETA to target, 30 minutes.'

* * *

References mentioned in Episode Four: 

1) Janeway 'Something similar to what you're suggesting was used by James T. Kirk two centuries ago. They slingshotted the Enterprise around a sun to travel back in time.' _Reference to the movie Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home_

2)Merry men in unison (doing leg-kicks of a can-can dance) 'La, la. La, la ,la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la.) _Scene from the movie Robin Hood Men in Tights. Sorry, I just couldn't resist putting old Kinsey in tights because the Oh-My-God factor was so great._

3) Neelix 'So? I Am the Walrus!' to Janeway 'Respect.' _Popular song titles._

4) Captain 'We'll do what we do and we'll shut up about it.' _Winchester family rule #1 from Supernatural episode "Route 666."_

5) Shuttle 01, and Moe 'I think I'm gonna vomit.'  
Larry 'Not in the car!' and  
Moe 'That's it. I want your driver's licence.'  
Larry 'What licence? _References to Dukes of Hazard._

6) 88 miles per hour _reference to Back to the Future_

* * *

A/N: Please review. Just one more chapter to go. Then this is finished. 


	5. Episode Five: Sparks Fly

Stargate Voyager  
by mermaid2bseeker

Well, here it is. The last chapter. Finally, after many years and many revisions, this story is finished.  
When I posted this chapter, I also posted a revised Episode Four. That chapter now has a different ending which you all should read before you get to this one.

* * *

**EPISODE FIVE: SPARKS FLY**

(The two crews have seperated to do whatever they need to do to get Voyager to their correct time.)

_Voyager, Briefing room_

Chakotay 'How do we know we can trust them?'

Tuvok 'They did appear out of nowhere.'

Tom 'It's not like we haven't been duped before.'

Janeway 'They claim to have a way to get us home.'

Harry 'Woooohooooo.'

(Everybody looks at him.)

Harry 'What?'

B'Elanna 'There is that whole underlying issue of how some of us don't want to go back to Earth, you know.'

Seven 'Me.'

Icheb 'I might not be accepted there.'

Doctor 'Nor would I be.'

Harry 'Nonsense. Don't you remember what the Barclay-hologram said? There'll be a ticker-tape parade.'

Tom 'You do know that the Barclay-gram was evil, right? He was lying to us to get Seven's nanobots'

Harry 'What?' (looks like a boy who's been told Christmas is canceled)

Neelix 'I could open my own restaurant in the alpha quadrant.'

Doctor 'Just don't use anymore Jalapeno (pronounces it with a 'j' sound: ja-la-pi-no) peppers when you cook the food.'

_(Ssssshhhhnnnggggg_.Suddenly, in a flash of white light Q appears, wearing only a Flintstones-print thong.)

Q (voice echoing as he appears) 'Honey, I'm ready.' (the sight of the crew startles him) 'Ahh, Kathy.'

Janeway 'So this is what you do in your free time?'

Q 'What?'

Chakotay 'Nice change of uniform, there, Q.'

Q 'What?' (looks down) 'Oh.' (snaps his fingers, reappears in a Starfleet captain's uniform) 'Sorry about that. I was aiming for….somewhere else. (snaps his fingers, disappears)

Harry 'I think I'm blind.'

_Sg-1 at the DHD_

(Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c are sitting on the ground in a circle under the shade of a tree. Sam is sitting on a rock next to the DHD, surrounded by crystals and tools.)

Jack (pulls out a deck of cards) 'How's it coming, Carter?'

Sam 'I just started.'

Jack 'Good.' (to the others) 'How 'bout a game of gin?'

Daniel 'I'm not good at gin.'

Jack 'Good.' (deals the cards)

(The crystals in the opened DHD crackle and send a bolt of electricity through the laptop that's connected to them, and into Sam, throwing her backwards onto the ground.)

Daniel 'Sam!'

Jack 'Carter!'

(Both of them rush over to her. Teal'c takes the opportunity to peak at their cards while they're away.)

Sam (gets up, shakes her head) 'Whoa.'

Daniel 'You okay?'

Sam 'Not gonna do that again.'

Jack (pats her hair which is standing on end) 'Sammy, the human piece of toast.'

Sam 'Funny.'

Jack 'I thought so.'

(They start making googly eyes at each other. The Jack-Sam-romance theme song plays.)

Daniel (rolls eyes) 'God, why don't you two just make-out and get it over with?'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

Sam 'Because our sexual tension is the only thing holding this show together.'

Daniel 'Well it's driving me nuts.'

Jack 'It's not like anyone's going to find out about this.'

Sam 'True.'

(The two of them start making out, I mean really making out. They are all over each other. Teal'c passes some popcorn to Daniel as they watch. Out of nowhere Tom Arnold (from The Best Damn Sports Show Ever) and Jimmy Kimmel (from The Man Show) join them and start commentating.)

Narrator 'Hey! This ain't a peep show. Give them some privacy.'

_Voyager_

(The crew are watching SG-1 from the Mess Hall window. The Stargate is clearly visible. As a matter of fact if the starship had landed just thirty meters to the left, the stargate would have been squished.)

Chakotay 'How did we miss that thing?'

Janeway 'Hey, I just give the orders, I don't pilot the damn ship.' (looks to Tom)

Tom 'What? I just push the buttons so it looks good on camera. I don't know what I'm doing.'

Harry 'Wait, so who pilots the ship?'

Seven 'Who cares.'

B'Elanna 'I don't think they're working on the stargate.'

Tuvok 'It looks like they're working on each other.'

Doctor (stares out window) 'Wow. Is that even anatomically possible?'

Tom 'Apparently it is.'

Doctor 'Captain, request permission to modify my program.'

Janeway 'Yeah, sure.'

(The Doctor skips off happily.)

B'Elanna (suggestively) 'Tom, I need your help in engineering.'

Tom (oblivious) 'Me?'

B'Elanna "Yes **you**, and **me,** in **Engineering**.

Tom 'Oh, right.'

(They hurry out of the mess hall giggling like idiots.)

Seven 'Commander, could you assist me in Astrometrics?'

Chakotay 'Of course.'

(They leave with a professional attitude, but once in the corridor they run like madmen.)

Janeway 'Ensign.'

Harry (eyes go wide, he knows why the others left) 'Yes, captain.'

Janeway 'Relax. It's not that. I want you to assist SG-1 in their modifications to the Stargate.'

Harry 'Yes, captain.'

Janeway 'Oh and take a couple of yellow-shirted personnel with you, just in case.'

(Harry leaves. Janeway watches out the window for a few more seconds then leaves. Neelix comes out of the galley with a pot of steaming Something-or-other.)

Neelix (to himself) 'Where'd everyone go?' (sees Tuvok) 'Oh, Mr. Vulcan, could **you** help **me** clean up in the **galley**?'

Narrator 'Okay. Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww. We are so not going there.'

_SG-1 at the DHD_

(Daniel, Teal'c, and Harry are playing cards with their eyes closed. Jimmy and Tom having left long ago, and the other yellow-shirted ensigns having died long ago.)

Daniel 'Do you have a Five?'

Teal'c 'Go fish.'

(Daniel picks up a card.)

Teal'c (to Harry) 'Do you have a Queen?'

Harry 'Damn it.' (Hands Teal'c his queen.)

(The moaning and rustling noises in the background stop.)

Daniel 'Hey guys, is it safe to look, yet?'

Jack 'Just about.'

Daniel 'Finally.'

(Faint music begins to play.)

Harry 'That sounds familiar.'

Teal'c (looking at Jack and Sam) 'It should.'

(Daniel and Harry look at Jack and Sam. Jack's on one kneewith a ring in his hand. The music gets louder. Sam's crying and nods her head. The music gets louder. Jack puts the ring on her finger. Louder. Jack and Sam embrace tightly. The music reaches a crescendo while fireworks explode brillantly in the sky.)

(Someone sniffles. Daniel and Harry look to each other, then to Teal'c who's dabbing his eyes.)

Daniel 'Are you crying?'

Teal'c 'Yes, what of it?'

Daniel (quickly) 'Nothing.'

Harry 'Oh, a wedding, I love weddings. Drinks all around.'

(An orange shuttle craft appears on the ground next to the gate.)

Everyone 'What the hell?"

(A ray gun pops up out of the craft and shoots a huge beam. The beam travels across the land and Voyager. It makes everyone fall unconscious.)

Larry 'Too easy.' (hits a button labelled 'Master Reset.')

_SG-1 circa 2004_

(SG-1 steps through the Stargate on PABC54321-90210-1-800-JENNY-CRAIG)

Jack 'Welcome to another planet which looks exactly like the wild wilderness of Canada, where they film our show.'

Daniel 'Eh?'

Jack 'Never mind.'

Sam 'Sir, I am picking up some strange readings with my weird T.V. remote control-looking device.'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

Jack 'What are they?'

Sam 'The little graphy thing on my screen says that they're radioactive rays which somehow appeared right as we stepped through the gate, because if the MALP had detected them beforehand we wouldn't be here right now, and that would be the end of our episode.'

Daniel 'It says all that?'

Jack (rolls his eyes) 'Well, if any of us had common sense, we'd retreat back through the gate, however for some unknown reason none of us seem to have been made with any, so let's go find out what's causing it.'

Teal'c 'Indeed.'

Sam (presses some buttons on her little device thingy) 'This way.' (She points straight ahead of them.)

_Voyager circa 2370_

(The Starship Voyager does it's cute little 'rubber-band' snappy thing and comes out of warp. They circle around a planet which looks a lot like Earth, but isn't because if it was, that would be the end of their little adventure through the Delta Quadrant.)

(Janeway walks out of her ready room onto the bridge with Chakotay behind her.)

Janeway (sees the giant planet on the screen) 'Report!'

Harry 'We've stopped at an M class planet.' (he mutters) 'Duh.'

Janeway 'What did you say?'

Harry 'We've stopped at an M class planet.'

Janeway 'No, after that.'

Harry (innocently) 'Nothing.'

Janeway (looks at him suspiciously) 'Life signs?'

Tuvok 'The planet appears to be abandoned, the sensors are only picking up plant and animal life.'

Janeway 'Anything interesting? Like abandoned civilizations? Booby trapped stasis chambers? Giant memory memorials?'

Tuvok 'No captain, nothing that could get us into trouble.'

Janeway 'Oh. Well, then, continue our present course to the alpha quadrant. We'll see if anything exciting happens tomorrow.'

(The Starship Voyager does its cute little rubber band snappy thing and enters warp.)

_SG-1 later that day, still 2004_

Jack 'Admit it. We're lost.'

Sam 'We are not lost. I know exactly where we are.'

Jack 'Where are we, then?'

Sam (pointing to four little dots on the screen of her device) 'We're here.'

Jack (rolls his eyes) 'Where are we in relation to the Stargate?'

Sam 'Lost.'

Jack (smacks his head repeatedly against the nearest tree)'Why, why, why, why? Why me?'

Teal'c 'Smacking one's head against a tree seems to be an unwise plan of action.'

Jack (looks to Teal'c) 'Don't smack your head against a tree!' (with bad british accent)'BRILLIANT!'

(Everyone looks at him as if he's nuts.)

Jack (normally) 'What?'

Sam 'You really need to lay off the beer, sir.'

_SGC_

Walter Davis/Harriman '…chevron seven locked.'

(The gate kawooshes open)

General Hammond (into microphone) 'SG-1, why haven't you dialed in for your scheduled check-in.'

Jack 'We can't find the gate, sir.'

Hammond 'What?'

Jack 'We're lost.'

Hammond 'We'll have a UAV ready in ten minutes to guide you back.'

(The gate shuts down.)

Hammond (smacks forehead) 'I work with children.'

_Infirmary, later_

(SG-1 has been examined and are about to leave to go home.)

Janet Fraiser 'Sam could you stay here a minute, I'd like to talk to you.'

(The others leave.)

Sam 'What is it?'

Janet 'Well, I just got your blood work back.'

Sam 'What's wrong?'

Janet 'You're pregnant.'

Sam 'WHAT!' (the entire level hears her)

(Concerned, the others rush back into the infirmary, but remain unnoticed by the women.)

Sam 'I haven't had sex in a while, how can that be.'

(The guys' eyebrows shoot up.)

Janet 'I ran the test twice.'

Sam 'Who's the father?'

Janet 'Jack O'Neill.'

Jack and Sam 'WHAT!'

Jack (walks up to them) 'We've never done it. I swear.'

Janet 'Then how else could this have happened?'

(A minute passes as everyone thinks real hard, a cricket chirps.)

Sam 'The Stargate did it.'

Narrator (double take) 'Huh, was that in the script?'

(Everyone checks script book.)

Narrator 'Yes, yes. Continue.'

Sam 'Yeah, the Stargate dematerializes matter for transit, then rematerializes it on the other end. What if it mixed some of Jack sperm with some of my eggs?'

Daniel (to Teal'c) 'Are we allowed to say that stuff on TV?'

Teal'c 'I do not know DanielJackson.'

Janet 'Don't you think that's a bit farfetched? Besides it's no secret you two love each other. You shouldn't be ashamed to admit it.'

Jack 'I swear. Sam, me, sex, never.'

Sam 'Stranger things have happened on this show.'

(Suddenly, everyone disappears in a flash of white light. In their places appear two men. One with red hair and one with a beret.)

Jamie 'I have to say, I was really surprised with the results.'

Adam 'Yeah, me too. So I guess it is plausible to mess with Temporal Causality with no ill effects.'

(A piece of welded metal labelled 'Plausible' appears on screen for a few seconds)

(The two men look around the infirmary for the first time.)

Adam 'Oops, I might have spoken too soon.'

Jamie 'If we're here, then who's in our shop?'

_M-5 Industries_

Jack 'This place is so cool.'

Sam 'Is that a hover craft?'

Daniel 'Hey, look. Pyramid power.'

(Teal'c oogles the weapons case.)

**THE END?

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**

References mentioned in Episode Five:

1) Harry 'Nonsense. Don't you remember what the Barclay-hologram said? There'll be a ticker-tape parade.' _Reference to some season seven Star Trek Voyager episode._

2) Doctor 'Just don't use anymore Jalapeno (pronounces it with a 'j' sound: ja-la-pi-no) peppers when you cook the food.' _Reference to another Star Trek Voyager episode._

3) Jack 'Good.' (to the others) 'How 'bout a game of gin?'  
Daniel 'I'm not good at gin.'…_Lines from Stargate Sg-1 episode: 'Legacy.'_

4) Jack (pats her hair which is standing on end) 'Sammy, the human piece of toast.' _Reference to the movie Jurassic Park._

5) Harry 'Oh, a wedding, I love weddings. Drinks all around.' _Reference to Pirates of the Caribbean._

6) Jack (looks to Teal'c) 'Don't smack your head against a tree!' (with bad british accent)'BRILLIANT!' _reference to Guiness beer commercials_

7) Narrator (double take) 'Huh, was that in the script?'  
(Everyone checks script book.) _reference to Robin Hood Men in Tights_

8) (Suddenly, everyone disappears in a flash of white light. In their places appear two men. One with red hair and one with a beret.) … (A piece of welded metal labelled 'Plausible' appears on screen for a few seconds) _reference to Mythbusters

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A/N: Please review. Tell me how much you like it, or hate it. 


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